My place is a safe place till your place is safe.
That’s always been my motto as a foster parent. I’ve never gone into foster care looking to permanently take somebody else’s children away from them. I want children to be safe, and if their parents can work through whatever brought them into care, I want those children to be able to go home.
I’ve been fostering for about 15 years, and I’ve seen what can happen when foster parents and biological parents build relationships instead of seeing each other as being on opposite sides.
Right now, I’m raising five year old twin boys. I’ve had them since they were 23 days old. They’ve been with me for five years, and I’ve had guardianship of them for the last two.
Their mother and I were complete strangers when this started.
Over time, we got to know each other. She realized I wasn’t trying to take her children away from her. When it came time to make decisions about the boys’ future, she actually asked me to take guardianship so they could be out of state care.
We have a really good relationship now.
The boys go to their mother’s house every weekend. They spend time with her and their siblings. We go to family therapy together. Just last night, we went to a parent teacher conference together.
She’s doing really well. She’s worked through a lot, and now she even teaches classes to help other people working through addiction.
We’re talking about increasing the boys’ time with her, but we’re doing it on their schedule. They’ve been with me for five years. I’m what they know, and there’s a bond there. Their mother understands that, and we’re working through it together.
I think that’s something we need more of in foster care.
We need to start fostering the relationships between foster parents and biological parents.
Sometimes when families find out I’m a foster mom, they get angry. I understand that. They don’t know me or what my intentions are. But I’m also a social worker. I’ve spent the last 15 years working with families to help prevent children from entering foster care and helping parents prepare for reunification when their children have been in care.
I’ve lived on both sides of it.
I know what it’s like to love a child who’s living in your home, to care for them every day, and to work through some really difficult circumstances. I also work with parents who are trying to make changes in their lives so their children can come home.
And I believe those parents deserve the opportunity to do that.
At the end of the day, it’s about what’s in the best interest of the children. If their parents can make their homes safe, then their children should be home. Is that always possible? No, it isn’t. There are times when I have to stand up and say something isn’t safe, and I’m not afraid to do that.
But when it is possible, I want to be part of helping that family get there.
I grew up around foster care. My grandparents fostered over 100 children. My dad, who’s actually my stepdad, but he’ll always be my dad, fostered several children and adopted three.
I saw what it looked like to open your home to children who needed somewhere to stay.
I raised three daughters of my own, and there were always kids at my house. When my youngest was still home, we hosted a foreign exchange student from Turkey. We opened our home to a complete stranger, and I really liked that experience. It sparked something in me.
We took the foster parent classes and just took off from there.
For a long time, I fostered teenagers. I loved every one of them, and I built some great relationships. Some still call me Mom. Some call me by my name. Some call me Nan, because that’s what my grandchildren call me.
During COVID, I drove two girls to California so they could be with family. I took another sibling group to Illinois and helped a little girl get home to her dad.
One of those teenage girls has a child of her own now. She sends me pictures and videos of her little boy. I just got one of him walking.
And I have another little boy who lived with me until he was able to go home to his mother. We still have him on weekends sometimes.
If she needs somebody, my family is there to help her. It’s a family. It’s just part of who we are.
I think sometimes people see reunification as the end of the relationship between a foster parent and a child. But it doesn’t have to be.
You can still be there. You can still be part of their lives. You can build a relationship with their parents, too.
Not every situation works out that way. Some parents you can build a relationship with, and some you can’t. But I think you’ve got to try.
I’ve seen how much children can struggle with everything they’re going through. The boys I’m raising now have had some really hard days. I’ve spent years working with specialists, trying to understand what they need.
But you just love them.
When a child is struggling, there’s a reason behind it, and you’ve got to find that reason. They’re not doing things because they’re maliciously trying to hurt somebody. They’re hurting.
It’s bad behavior, not a bad kid.
They’ve been through things they didn’t cause, and they don’t always know how to handle what they’re feeling.
Working with these boys and their mother has inspired me to do other things, too.
I’m the director of Ruth’s Return, a sober living house for women in Marshfield. We work with women who are rebuilding their lives, including mothers who are working toward being able to care for their children.
Because it is possible.
I also teach parenting and anger management classes. Through my work with Family Facets, I’ve seen parents make changes that allowed their families to stay together or their children to come home.
I still get phone calls from families I worked with years ago. I’ve been invited to graduations for kids who were in elementary school when I first met them.
Those are the moments when you realize why you do this.
My oldest daughter fostered for a while, too. She still keeps her license so she can provide respite care for me. She’s part of the support system that allows me to keep doing this.
My grandparents fostered. My dad fostered. Now my family is part of it, too.
And I don’t know how many more children will come through my home. I’m still fostering, even while raising the boys. If they’re able to return to their mother, I’m sure I’ll continue.
But I think the biggest thing we need to understand about foster care is relationships.
Relationships with the children, with their biological parents, with the caseworkers, and with everybody involved. We have to find some common ground.
Because at the end of the day, it’s about the children.
Trannie Hahne
Foster Parent and Family Reunification Advocate
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